I wish I could punch you in the face.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
