Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
