Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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