i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
