My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
