Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
