I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
