sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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