fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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