An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
