dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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