I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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