hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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