sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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