The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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