Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
