Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
