Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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