if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
