If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
