sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
