Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
