i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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