I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
