you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
