Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
