Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
