after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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