I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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