She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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