end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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