In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Randomize
