Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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