I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize