But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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