I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This is the high leading the old right now
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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