I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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