I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
