I just pynch a tree in the face
What did we do last night that was yellow?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
