I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize