Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
