When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
