It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
