when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
