The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
