Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
