You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
