Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
