This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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