My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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