So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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