3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
