I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
