how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
