:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
