I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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