mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize