if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
