I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
are you so shy because you have an std?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
