He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
