He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I love you. Go after that dick
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
